People with No Faces

Do you ever have that episode in your life when you're trying to get over something (someone) and continuously trying to find a way to successfully do it? And then you fail. You frickin' relapse. GRR.

I've broken up with guys before and while of course it is indeed a struggle getting over someone you've been with for such a long time...what's important is, that 'one day' you've been waiting for will eventually come.

That one day when you suddenly stop thinking about him. That one day when you stop associating almost everything to him, or how things were before between him and you, and just anything to do with him. Sometimes even though it has nothing to do with the person, our brain still intricately finds a way to associate him to something we randomly saw or heard. And it's so frickin' annoying. RIGHT?

Anyway, the whole binge eating thing when depressed doesn't really work for me because well, I do binge eat even when I'm not feeling down. So yeah, that won't really work for me. Usually, when I'm not feeling good..I go binge shopping. But then again that requires a bit of money soo yeah, none of that for now.

Gah, heartbroken. That's all I am right now. And not having a support network, well..my usual support network from home isn't here with me, so I'm pretty much effed.

Also, I'm really just drunk. So, wtf? Bow. Bye.

The Comeback

Oh wow, it's been two years since I last updated my blog. You see, my bread-and-butter is actually writing. I write for clients from the United States, Australia, UK, Singapore, and the list goes on. And writing for leisure? Sometimes work just takes too much of the writer in me that there's nothing left for self-expression.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE WRITING. I may not be a professional writer nor someone who's had the formal training to become one to practice it, but it's something I won't ever give up doing. Let me just share with you the few reasons why I love writing:

5. You get to use your brain.

If you happen to be one of those people whose job is boring and monotonous, then the more you should engage yourself in writing. Boring jobs leave your brain unused for so long that you forget you even have one. Haha! That would be horrible. Writing is like an exercise, but for the brain. The more you keep it active, the more alive you feel. :)

4. Freedom of speech at its finest.

I like to be anonymous. Being anonymous takes away the fear inside of you about getting mis/judged when people you know get to read your writing. It's actually one of the reasons why I've always disliked blogging because it's like giving people a freeway ticket to your brain, letting them explore what goes deep inside your nutshell, how your whole psychology works. And I HATE IT. I'm more complex than a mathematical problem so whoever wants to read me....well. You have to find a way. Reading my blog just makes the job ten times easier for them, and I don't like that. :)

3. RANTS.

Well, another good thing about writing..and not even just blogs or Facebook statuses for crying out loud, is you get to express your darkest rants about politics, people, and all kinds of frustrations without hurting anyone's feelings. Well, as long as you keep your "written rants" well enough to not put yourself into compromising situations...then you're good. :)

2. It's a means of self-exploration.

One thing I love about writing is the fact that you are in the process documenting your emotions, your thoughts and whatever is of value to you. I don't know about you but for me, I love having to read my previous posts from a year or two ago, smiling to myself about how the feelings I have once expressed in my previous posts still strike me in one way or another. It allows you to get a good look of yourself and how you were a few years ago, and how these still reflect the current you. By writing down your feelings, you get to learn more about yourself.

1. Writing is therapeutic.

Most of my writings are products of my current emotional and intellectual state. Of course everything I write about (excluding work-related write ups) is in one way or another related to what I value in life, or what I'm currently going through. Everything I write about is personal. So when I'm upset, disappointed, or extremely on the down side, I write. And every time I do, it almost never fails that it leaves me feeling better. :)

I could write a whole lot more, and go on and on about so many random things about (my) life. But I'll end this now so I'd have more to talk about in the posts to come! Hoping of course, that I won't forget about this blog for yet another two years.Ha!

Because your scent reminded me of him...

Today was an interesting day. I met someone new.

Just this morning, I took the IELTS exam for my student visa application. It was a rainy day, and I was wearing this huge gray hoodie on top of my halter top. It was awkward because the hoodie looked like it wasn't made for non-winter seasons. Anyway...

I walked to my seat and sat there quietly. Beside me was a seat of some guy... A few more minutes passed by and I was already getting bored just sitting there with no one to talk to. Til my seatmate came.

He was a guy of my age, and decent-looking. He was even cute, mind you! I mean, if it was a girl I would've said hi right away, introduced myself and started mingling because that's the type of person I am. But this time it's different because he's a guy. A GUY.

So, 10 minutes passed...15...20.. with still, none of us trying to even start a conversation. We've got plenty of time to waste because the exam will be starting at exactly 9 o'clock. And it's only past 8, and it's getting boring ...just too quiet for me.

TALK TO ME TALK TO ME TALK TO ME. These are the words I kept on saying to myself, hoping this guy would have the guts to at least start a conversation. Until I can't take it anymore, I just had to do it.

So there. I did the first move. It was awkward for me, because I don't know.. I felt like, I shouldn't be the one initiating the conversation because I'm the girl.. but oh well. I just had to do it.

So I asked him.. "San ka papunta?"

At first, he looked puzzled ..like he had no idea what I'm talking about. So I repeated myself and asked again.. "Saang country ka papunta?"

And that started a 30-minute conversation, until the examination finally started.

That conversation was too short for someone who wants to know so much about the other person but too long as well in the sense that we've talked about so many things in such a short time, 30 minutes. From the meaning of his tattoo, to his family abroad, to my family abroad..to his finished university course, mine..rain..flood..etc.

I wanted to ask his number soooo bad. HAHA! You see, it's very important to have contacts especially when you've already moved to another country. It also happened that we'll both be moving to the same countnry, on the same target month. So, I thought it would be convenient to at least have a friend who's in the same situation like I do. (Excusessss! Haha.)

But I thought to myself..hey..*I* did the first move. *I* started the conversation. If he does want to keep in contact, then he will ask for it. If he doesn't, then it was nice talking to him...I guess..........

So it's been established: He's cute. Okay to talk to. Open. And not arrogant. CHECK!

We're done with the exam and it was time to say goodbye. I bid him good luck then we finally went on our own separate ways.

Just after we walked apart, that I realized ..I didn't even get to know his name, nor did he get mine. o.o

And thought to myself...

If ever our roads do cross again in the future, then I guess it's already fate telling me to my face: "...DO SOMETHING."

Hear my heart out

I love you.

Will someone else please help me move on?

Never Lose Hope

Never lose hope.

These were the last three words said in the movie He's Just Not That Into You before it ended. Some parts were quite dragging, but as it neared its end I found it quite comforting and heart-oomfing. It made me fall in love.

Watching the movie reminded me of my own love stories gone bad. Flashbacks of me trying to be "the One" for some guy came into my mind, curling my lips into a what-the-hell-was-i-thinking smile.

See, everyone wants a happy ending, everyone wants someone to spend the rest of their lives with. And it's funny how we, sometimes, end up doing crazy...stupid...humiliating...insane.... random things thinking that this person could possibly be "the One," so why not put yourself out and just DO IT, right? Not minding what the other people might think or how much of a doofus we're making ourselves out of.

A few months ago, I had a fling with someone I barely even knew. All I knew is, I liked talking to him and I like how he made me feel. And for a certain time, I knew he felt the same with me. It was my choice not to make things official because I was afraid to lose the game. It was a fling, so I wanted to keep it as casual as we can and yknow, just have fun and keep it that way--no strings attached. It was good until I fell into my own trap and lost my game. What happened? I fell in love.

It was complicated. I mean, falling in love is never a problem...unless, the person you're in love with is with someone else. Yadada, you get the picture. Bottom line is, I lost. Moral of the lesson? Don't put yourself into a situation you don't think you can win, or handle at least. OR just don't do flings if you fall in love quite easily. Because you'll end up being me.

So what does my story have to do with the movie's story? See, like the girl there...I can be a little too keen when I'm interested in someone. It's just so hard sometimes to contain yourself when you're into someone. There's this urge to call him, see him, talk to him, hug him, kiss him...but your mind says NO DONT DO THAT, because this and this and that. Then overanalyzing happens, paranoia strikes. Story of my life.

So, given "that" complication, I still stayed in the relationship...if you can call it A relationship, but yeah..you know what I mean. I didn't want to lose him so bad that I managed to accept just being his second best. Even though all the signs were there, of him not being into me anymore as much as how he used to be, I still stayed there and even used "friendship's sake" as an excuse just to keep in contact with him. Until then, I still was longing for him but now...maybe it's time to move on.

This movie made me realize a lot of things as I watched it. And before it finally ended, I had a mini-conversation with myself:

..................He's not that into you,

because he is NOT for you.

So my advice to all those who haven't found their "the One"s yet? Never lose hope. Take risks. Go on, do it even how crazy, insane or outrageous you think it is. Because who knows, he could be THE ONE. :)

The Reboundee

For the nth time, I deleted him from my list.

I seriously should find the strength to resist the temptation of talking to him.

He doesn't like you.

He's not that into you anymore.

He's not interested, obviously. So stop believing he "still could be."
Stop running after him, stop chasing him.

IT IS OVER.

To him, you were just a rebound girl -nothing more, nothing less.

STATUS: Single

I am single and tomorrow marks my 21st year of singlehood. Yep, another NBSB here hun.

See, at first I wasn't bothered at all, couldn't care less that I am single and have remained single since birth. But as years passed by, it started to take a toll on me. Now I'm hell bothered, WHY THE HELL AM I STILL SINGLE???

My friends have been asking the same thing to me everytime we stumble upon that subject -my 'singleness'. I may not be a perfect 10 but I'm not a failure either when it comes to looks. I am fun, sweet and understanding (no self-bias here, promise!). So what's the problem then?, they would ask me. Well, how the hell would I know??????!

I have friends who are just like me, NBSBs. One, in my opinion, has a personality that's too strong, I think she might be scaring the guys away. The other one's obsessed with Barbie dolls and is such a softy, not that it's a bad thing...but yeah, it could be a factor aye? And um, another one in my opinion is HOT but, has remained single since her day 1 in this world. Like, what's the matter with you GUYS?!?!

Sadly, this issue has been depressing me for the past few months. I just graduated from uni a few months ago, and I've literally been a bum since then. And I tell you, it's not fun being a bum because you tend to worry about random things you earlier never bothered thinking about. Like say, in my situation, my singlehood.

There've been a number of guys who have shown interest in me but none went past the friendship zone. Recently, I've become really keen to meet people, maybe too keen that I scared some of my prospects away. HAHA. Bad move eh? But yeah, I hate to overthink and stress myself thinking bout this but I really just would like to know... WHERE THE HELL IS MY PRINCE CHARMING????

Some would tell me to just wait, and all those cliche stuff, the more you chase it the more it would elude you...and all that jazz.. but, hell isn't 21 years enough??? I don't wanna grow old alone? It's nice to feel special and loved by someone. So please, prince charming...end my misery and step into my life NOW.